Saw this in Karen's e-mail. I think the words really mean a lot. I feel all of it.
=============================
The greatest pain in life
is not to die, but to be ignored.
To lose the person you love so
much to another who doesn't care at all.
To have someone you care so about so much throw a party...
and not tell you about it.
When your favorite person on earth
neglects to invite you to his graduation.
To have people think that you don't care.
The greatest pain in life,
is not to die,
but to be forgotten.
To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.
To never get a call from a friend,
just saying "hi".
When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.
For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.
When it seems like the only person who cares about you,
is you.
Life is full of pain,
but does it ever get better?
Will people ever care about each other,
and make time for those who are in need?
Each of us has a part to play
in this great show we call life.
Each of us has a duty to mankind
to tell our friends we love them.
If you do not care about your friends
you will not be punished.
You will simply be ignored...
forgotten...
as you have done to others.
========================
Sunday, November 23, 2003
*Sigh* Lost my beads bracelet today during my outing with my pals...can't believe that it disappeared from my wrist, just like that. =( That is sad.
Well, I just keep having this feeling..that I am lost. Really lost. There ain't a direction, a zest in my life that I have. It's pretty sad but heh..it is true. I don't seem to be determined enough to do or try out things. Often, I'll talk about it, and leave it at that. There were plans for me for this vacation, that is:
1. Visit places that I've always wanted to; try doing things and experiencing life in a more varied perspective.
2. Practice "Percussion freaks" frequently at the arcade (it is one of those things that I throughly enjoy doing)
3. Learn how to blade. (Mind the falls and scrapes)
4. Resolve my thoughts, the knots in my life. Think about things.
5. Find a job? (I know it is the last objective but heh.)
Gosh. I seem to be afraid of discussing my feelings, even with myself. Everyday, I keep actively seek for things to engage in, things to enjoy and pass my time with. Sometimes, I feel that i am a leech. I am wondering if this bears its marks on people around me. Hell. I feel insecure because of that. Exhausted, conflicting thoughts. Fear.
Fear of loss. Be it from relationships , material objects, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I AM paranoid. Very. I often dread about unfortunate things, and cling onto what I have around me, seemingly dreading that they'll disappear any minute.
My fear from the past has returned to haunt me.
Questions that always run in my mind. Reflections that I often make.
1. What am I to the people around me? In physical impression, interaction, trait.
2. Am I living? Or am I merely breathing?
3. What do I need?
4. What do I lack?
5. Why does fear always fill me up?
6. If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter?
Life is so fragile. Here today gone tomorrow.
Life is impermanence.
"Hold onto something however silly it seems, if it could make you smile brightly, even for a moment."
To sum up..I am an insecure freak.
Ever since I've "given up" on love, I've given up a lot. I feel empty.
I hardly hear from her these days..that isn't anything left...no replies...no nothing.
Funny, love can be so real, so blind. Things weren't meant to be..and I never realised that...till the moment I gave up. Void. Silence.
Fate. What is in store for me?
Well, I just keep having this feeling..that I am lost. Really lost. There ain't a direction, a zest in my life that I have. It's pretty sad but heh..it is true. I don't seem to be determined enough to do or try out things. Often, I'll talk about it, and leave it at that. There were plans for me for this vacation, that is:
1. Visit places that I've always wanted to; try doing things and experiencing life in a more varied perspective.
2. Practice "Percussion freaks" frequently at the arcade (it is one of those things that I throughly enjoy doing)
3. Learn how to blade. (Mind the falls and scrapes)
4. Resolve my thoughts, the knots in my life. Think about things.
5. Find a job? (I know it is the last objective but heh.)
Gosh. I seem to be afraid of discussing my feelings, even with myself. Everyday, I keep actively seek for things to engage in, things to enjoy and pass my time with. Sometimes, I feel that i am a leech. I am wondering if this bears its marks on people around me. Hell. I feel insecure because of that. Exhausted, conflicting thoughts. Fear.
Fear of loss. Be it from relationships , material objects, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I AM paranoid. Very. I often dread about unfortunate things, and cling onto what I have around me, seemingly dreading that they'll disappear any minute.
My fear from the past has returned to haunt me.
Questions that always run in my mind. Reflections that I often make.
1. What am I to the people around me? In physical impression, interaction, trait.
2. Am I living? Or am I merely breathing?
3. What do I need?
4. What do I lack?
5. Why does fear always fill me up?
6. If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter?
Life is so fragile. Here today gone tomorrow.
Life is impermanence.
"Hold onto something however silly it seems, if it could make you smile brightly, even for a moment."
To sum up..I am an insecure freak.
Ever since I've "given up" on love, I've given up a lot. I feel empty.
I hardly hear from her these days..that isn't anything left...no replies...no nothing.
Funny, love can be so real, so blind. Things weren't meant to be..and I never realised that...till the moment I gave up. Void. Silence.
Fate. What is in store for me?
Friday, November 21, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Saturday, October 4, 2003
From my notes dated 30th September 2003:
Gosh. Today is definitely the worst day of my life. Firstly, I came to school, only to realise that Justin would be going for the NAFTA too, which he adamantly refused to go to the day before...-_- I decided to go then. Melisa agreed to lend me her sports attire, a T-shirt and soccer shorts. It was till the last minute where I received the clothes..Hurriedly, I went off to change...Everyone was waiting to take their name tags and go onto the track for the first station, which were the sit-ups. I remembered taking my student card from my bus pass holder, and then keeping them in my black, FX Creations sling bag. I went thru' the stations, and they were my main focus...things went pretty well at first..I wasn't in such a bad shape after a long absence from exercising...Well, then again, I felt very insecure about the condition of my eczema-ridden legs. I'm guessing that, when Theresa saw it, she must have been shocked and disgusted by the sight...
Anyway, I passed my pull-ups minimum requirement for the fist time ever, and boy was I glad and proud of myself. I had a good record for the standing broad jump station as well, seomthing which was totally unexpected. Perhaps the long walks and climbing of various flights of stairs prepared me well for this segment.
The joy I had didn't last.
During the 2.4km jog segment, I got down and put in my best effort...Looking back, I haven't had and official jogging session since last year 1 (imagine that) and I must say, I was totally flat ot three rounds into the jog. I actually stopped and walked. Theresa run past me....*laughs weakly* Theresa must have realised how a poor runner I am...bleh.
Towards the end of...I made a sprint, and extremely excruciating one...to the finishing line. I was unsuprisingly late, as I've passed the 12min minimum mark without completing the run yet. I was disgusted by myself. Utterly.
In a personal note, Justin was very encouraging and supportive as he ran alongside me and waited for me to complete the jog. Thanx. The run took a lot from me and my thighs were straining so much during the jog that I could hardly bend my knees afterwards...
Ok, with no delay, here it is. The worst part of the day. When I returned to the place where we left our bags, I was extremely beguiled to find my bag missing. It didn't struck me as hard..I was still stunned. On the other hand, I saw my handphone and wallet in my trousers, which were still there. The full brunt of the loss hit me when I recalled images of the objects I had in my bag, one after another. Foremostly, I thought of my minidisc player. Fair. It's old. It's been well-used over a span of 3 years and it's recording function is spoilt. It's okay. When Justin Averil, Vince and I left to the library(Justin needed to return books)
I recalled that there was an ECH book and CD that I've borrowed from the library, and they were in my "lost" bag as well...Damn.
Still, it was acceptable until the "hailstones" hit me. My digital camera. Stolen. Lost. Gone. I'll never see it again...Justin, Averil and Vince were really supportive; they stayed back to accompany me for a while. I appreciate their friendship a lot. Nevertheless, I know, in circumstances like that, NO ONE can help you. You can onlu ACCEPT it, I told myself.
When I reached home, my dad and mum "bombasted" me. They also insisted that it was partially my fault, which I couldn't agree with. Put anyone else in this situation, and it's the same. Ain't it? I was plain unlucky. Period.
Enough of that. Bleh.
Melisa and Theresa msged me to ask how I've been, and asked me to take care...Well, all I can say is that Theresa sounded a tad casual; honestly, I was hoping that she could sense the depth of my loss. Pehaps I am just asking for the impossible.
That made me feel so ordinary in her eyes, and it seemed to be an indication that all that I've done, till nowm didn't really matter to her. She was not moved. She couldn't be. Hell, I should get out of this...move on for goodness sake!?
Surely, I'll eventually meet someone who fate has planned for me to meet, someone
who would really appreciate and love me for who I am. Don't I?
GUESS NOT, DUDE. WAIT A MILLION LIFETIMES and perhaps...perhaps you still won't.
-__-"
By the way, aside from this storm in a teacup, or coffee cup, I've went to Jumi(my cousin)'s house to do my freakin' NS registration thingy. It was a hell of a chore. The internet was laggy and the loading of each webpage took nearly 3 minutes. =0 Gosh.
I ended up not being able to arrange the time for the NS medical checkup. I'll do it again tomorrow. Or tonight. It's 1.43am in the morning now.
I sincerely wish to be rid of the bad luck of this day. Amen.
P.s I'm really sore over losing my beloved digital camera. It would take me a loooooong time to get over it. My whold body is aching and I feel crapped-up. If there's a word. And there's the childcare attachment to go later. Arrrgggggghhhh!!! Deliver me.
Gosh. Today is definitely the worst day of my life. Firstly, I came to school, only to realise that Justin would be going for the NAFTA too, which he adamantly refused to go to the day before...-_- I decided to go then. Melisa agreed to lend me her sports attire, a T-shirt and soccer shorts. It was till the last minute where I received the clothes..Hurriedly, I went off to change...Everyone was waiting to take their name tags and go onto the track for the first station, which were the sit-ups. I remembered taking my student card from my bus pass holder, and then keeping them in my black, FX Creations sling bag. I went thru' the stations, and they were my main focus...things went pretty well at first..I wasn't in such a bad shape after a long absence from exercising...Well, then again, I felt very insecure about the condition of my eczema-ridden legs. I'm guessing that, when Theresa saw it, she must have been shocked and disgusted by the sight...
Anyway, I passed my pull-ups minimum requirement for the fist time ever, and boy was I glad and proud of myself. I had a good record for the standing broad jump station as well, seomthing which was totally unexpected. Perhaps the long walks and climbing of various flights of stairs prepared me well for this segment.
The joy I had didn't last.
During the 2.4km jog segment, I got down and put in my best effort...Looking back, I haven't had and official jogging session since last year 1 (imagine that) and I must say, I was totally flat ot three rounds into the jog. I actually stopped and walked. Theresa run past me....*laughs weakly* Theresa must have realised how a poor runner I am...bleh.
Towards the end of...I made a sprint, and extremely excruciating one...to the finishing line. I was unsuprisingly late, as I've passed the 12min minimum mark without completing the run yet. I was disgusted by myself. Utterly.
In a personal note, Justin was very encouraging and supportive as he ran alongside me and waited for me to complete the jog. Thanx. The run took a lot from me and my thighs were straining so much during the jog that I could hardly bend my knees afterwards...
Ok, with no delay, here it is. The worst part of the day. When I returned to the place where we left our bags, I was extremely beguiled to find my bag missing. It didn't struck me as hard..I was still stunned. On the other hand, I saw my handphone and wallet in my trousers, which were still there. The full brunt of the loss hit me when I recalled images of the objects I had in my bag, one after another. Foremostly, I thought of my minidisc player. Fair. It's old. It's been well-used over a span of 3 years and it's recording function is spoilt. It's okay. When Justin Averil, Vince and I left to the library(Justin needed to return books)
I recalled that there was an ECH book and CD that I've borrowed from the library, and they were in my "lost" bag as well...Damn.
Still, it was acceptable until the "hailstones" hit me. My digital camera. Stolen. Lost. Gone. I'll never see it again...Justin, Averil and Vince were really supportive; they stayed back to accompany me for a while. I appreciate their friendship a lot. Nevertheless, I know, in circumstances like that, NO ONE can help you. You can onlu ACCEPT it, I told myself.
When I reached home, my dad and mum "bombasted" me. They also insisted that it was partially my fault, which I couldn't agree with. Put anyone else in this situation, and it's the same. Ain't it? I was plain unlucky. Period.
Enough of that. Bleh.
Melisa and Theresa msged me to ask how I've been, and asked me to take care...Well, all I can say is that Theresa sounded a tad casual; honestly, I was hoping that she could sense the depth of my loss. Pehaps I am just asking for the impossible.
That made me feel so ordinary in her eyes, and it seemed to be an indication that all that I've done, till nowm didn't really matter to her. She was not moved. She couldn't be. Hell, I should get out of this...move on for goodness sake!?
Surely, I'll eventually meet someone who fate has planned for me to meet, someone
who would really appreciate and love me for who I am. Don't I?
GUESS NOT, DUDE. WAIT A MILLION LIFETIMES and perhaps...perhaps you still won't.
-__-"
By the way, aside from this storm in a teacup, or coffee cup, I've went to Jumi(my cousin)'s house to do my freakin' NS registration thingy. It was a hell of a chore. The internet was laggy and the loading of each webpage took nearly 3 minutes. =0 Gosh.
I ended up not being able to arrange the time for the NS medical checkup. I'll do it again tomorrow. Or tonight. It's 1.43am in the morning now.
I sincerely wish to be rid of the bad luck of this day. Amen.
P.s I'm really sore over losing my beloved digital camera. It would take me a loooooong time to get over it. My whold body is aching and I feel crapped-up. If there's a word. And there's the childcare attachment to go later. Arrrgggggghhhh!!! Deliver me.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
It is Theresa's birthday tomorrow and I've given her a present today..sheesh..I could actually remember the wrong date of her birthday and msged her last night to wish her happy birthday..I even shot myself in the leg when I made a mess out of the piggy bank which I intended to paint and give to her...it looked like a monstrous mix of toxic blue and startling pink..>=( Anyways..I was kinda sad when came to the realisation that, whatever I do for her...I'll always be a friend. No more than that. Silly me, I should have known...perhaps reality is hard to accept...
Often, in msgs, Theresa would usually address me as E.g. "all the best, friend" This word makes me feel *arrrgh*. It is as if an imaginary line in between drawn that says "I appreciate you, but I'll need to remind you that I am not "available" and I hope not to lead you on". *tears at hair*
Anyways..I bought her a gift, which I feel bears a significant meaning. It is basically a Fisher-Price toy and is meant for children ages 18 mths and above...It is known as the "Box of Opposites" I had the concept of doing notes that would represent each of the sides of the cube, such as the Top, Bottom, Front/Back,Over/Under,Day/Night...
On the notes, I wrote personal sayings of my view on things related to the headings..E.g. What the word "Top" means to me...
She msged me back, praised me for the innovative idea..of transforming an ordinary toy into something refreshingly different and meaningful...Well..I am glad that she liked the present!~=)
Oh, in regard to the the long awaited photograph that I requested from Yoke Sum (ECH IT Coordinator), I finally saw Belinda(my CS 1.1 lecturer in year 1) today and gotten it. It is *rolls drum* nothing else but a picture of Theresa during the Price giving ceremony of the academically outstanding students last semester..no suprise as she's a very intelligent and hardworking gal hor...xD *is ashamed of myself* >_<
Well....*sigh*...this is it. Possibly my last birthday gift for her...
Often, in msgs, Theresa would usually address me as E.g. "all the best, friend" This word makes me feel *arrrgh*. It is as if an imaginary line in between drawn that says "I appreciate you, but I'll need to remind you that I am not "available" and I hope not to lead you on". *tears at hair*
Anyways..I bought her a gift, which I feel bears a significant meaning. It is basically a Fisher-Price toy and is meant for children ages 18 mths and above...It is known as the "Box of Opposites" I had the concept of doing notes that would represent each of the sides of the cube, such as the Top, Bottom, Front/Back,Over/Under,Day/Night...
On the notes, I wrote personal sayings of my view on things related to the headings..E.g. What the word "Top" means to me...
She msged me back, praised me for the innovative idea..of transforming an ordinary toy into something refreshingly different and meaningful...Well..I am glad that she liked the present!~=)
Oh, in regard to the the long awaited photograph that I requested from Yoke Sum (ECH IT Coordinator), I finally saw Belinda(my CS 1.1 lecturer in year 1) today and gotten it. It is *rolls drum* nothing else but a picture of Theresa during the Price giving ceremony of the academically outstanding students last semester..no suprise as she's a very intelligent and hardworking gal hor...xD *is ashamed of myself* >_<
Well....*sigh*...this is it. Possibly my last birthday gift for her...
Here's a poem that I've gotten from an e-mail..I think it is great...=)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rose
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you its only seed
It's the soul afraid of dreaming,
That never learns to dance
And the soul afraid of waking,
That never takes the chance
It's the one, who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying,
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
When you feel that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies a seed, that with the sun's love,
in the spring becomes a rose
Amanda McBroom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rose
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you its only seed
It's the soul afraid of dreaming,
That never learns to dance
And the soul afraid of waking,
That never takes the chance
It's the one, who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying,
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
When you feel that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies a seed, that with the sun's love,
in the spring becomes a rose
Amanda McBroom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, September 15, 2003
KiDs sMarTs 0_0
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
Sunday, September 7, 2003
This is a good one...That's the problem with guys... sigh.. heh. :P
A girl's account:
"He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I wasa bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this was really worrying me. "
"We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances . But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster."
His Side of the Story:
ENGLAND lost to Brazil
A girl's account:
"He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I wasa bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this was really worrying me. "
"We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances . But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster."
His Side of the Story:
ENGLAND lost to Brazil
Arrrgh..I'm feeling lerthargic, stressed, depressed...and no one seems to understand!! I just wanted some time out allo f a sudden and my mum came into the room and requested to play the neopets game...I told her that I would like to rest and needed some time alone, then she got offended...she said that "if you think that I'm disturbing you, then you are selfish.."
I felt guilty of course and I went up to her and told her that she could use it now..she was still angry so she refused to budge..I told her, "Are you trying to make me guilty?" My dad overheard the conversation and he decided to budge in..he was insensitive and self-righteous, thinking that I was so-called bullying my mum...I explained to him how I was feeling and he refused to listen..he said thing's like "You should get the com out of your room or keep it in your room and not complain of pple using it""This is a public com, not your personal com!" I was really feeling frustrated and just then, Vince called me in regard to the project...I lost myself for a while..I pulled my hair and let out a frustrated sigh...gosh..can now understand how Vince felt when he had his outbursts in the past..>=(
Well..now..I just wanna slump onto my bed for 5 min...l
Later.
I felt guilty of course and I went up to her and told her that she could use it now..she was still angry so she refused to budge..I told her, "Are you trying to make me guilty?" My dad overheard the conversation and he decided to budge in..he was insensitive and self-righteous, thinking that I was so-called bullying my mum...I explained to him how I was feeling and he refused to listen..he said thing's like "You should get the com out of your room or keep it in your room and not complain of pple using it""This is a public com, not your personal com!" I was really feeling frustrated and just then, Vince called me in regard to the project...I lost myself for a while..I pulled my hair and let out a frustrated sigh...gosh..can now understand how Vince felt when he had his outbursts in the past..>=(
Well..now..I just wanna slump onto my bed for 5 min...l
Later.
Saturday, September 6, 2003
^o^ Kawaii ne~
Your girlfriend has Pink hair!
What Colour Hair would YOUR anime girlfriend have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your girlfriend has Pink hair!
What Colour Hair would YOUR anime girlfriend have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hmm...^_^"
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, September 5, 2003
Thursday, September 4, 2003
Just did a quiz.."What Zodiac sign are you attracted to"..the last part was funny, Quoth:"The fishes are quite romantic in bed" Erm. No comments. =P
You should be dating a Pisces.
19 February - 20 March
Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and
hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be
self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the
fishes are quite romantic in bed.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla
You should be dating a Pisces.
19 February - 20 March
Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and
hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be
self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the
fishes are quite romantic in bed.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla
*Sigh* I'm at home today....doin' my own stuff and listening to sentimental songs...I was thinking about what Vince, Juz and Averil told me yesterday....
I have this sinking feeling in me that tells me that it is a one-sided..of me liking Theresa..it feels so disappointing when I think of that...I didn't know get to know her enough..so what is the big deal if I felt so much for her..it is not enough...not enough at all...sometimes Love ain't enough.
I wish to tell her that I still cherish her, and that my feelings for her are still the same..but on the other hand..I feel stupid..how in the world can I expect to do that..when we are only friends...it hurts. But I've always believed that love is an effort..it is not necessary easy and light...it took effort from me..at least this is how I feel...
I've started losing Faith between she and I because I felt that we were not meant to be...Fate between us died a premature end...I told myself that perhaps..or even..definitely..she is not the one for me...and I tried moving on....
The hope in me of even being with her has died.
I've lost my chance..lost her.
Still..I wish to ask her..if she had ever considered me as someone she could love...when I told her that I liked her..that is something I've always wanted to know..it is a knot in my heart...
I miss the times...when I spoke to her through the phone..she was so tender...and I felt st that moment...that I'll not let her feel alone anymore...
There was hope then..so much more hope...but it ends...in silence.
The guys suggested that I should tell her how I really feel...but I'm feeling apprehensive about it..I do not think it'll help...
Well..I'll wait...till Fate shows me the road to love again..Cest la Vie'
Honestly..I'm not too hopeful. =P
I have this sinking feeling in me that tells me that it is a one-sided..of me liking Theresa..it feels so disappointing when I think of that...I didn't know get to know her enough..so what is the big deal if I felt so much for her..it is not enough...not enough at all...sometimes Love ain't enough.
I wish to tell her that I still cherish her, and that my feelings for her are still the same..but on the other hand..I feel stupid..how in the world can I expect to do that..when we are only friends...it hurts. But I've always believed that love is an effort..it is not necessary easy and light...it took effort from me..at least this is how I feel...
I've started losing Faith between she and I because I felt that we were not meant to be...Fate between us died a premature end...I told myself that perhaps..or even..definitely..she is not the one for me...and I tried moving on....
The hope in me of even being with her has died.
I've lost my chance..lost her.
Still..I wish to ask her..if she had ever considered me as someone she could love...when I told her that I liked her..that is something I've always wanted to know..it is a knot in my heart...
I miss the times...when I spoke to her through the phone..she was so tender...and I felt st that moment...that I'll not let her feel alone anymore...
There was hope then..so much more hope...but it ends...in silence.
The guys suggested that I should tell her how I really feel...but I'm feeling apprehensive about it..I do not think it'll help...
Well..I'll wait...till Fate shows me the road to love again..Cest la Vie'
Honestly..I'm not too hopeful. =P
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
*Whew* The clubhouse plan is working!! I'm really glad..we had the budget and approval by Dr Walsh for the changeover to the triangle room =)
Just went to Ikea this afternoon and bought all the materials, such as cushions, blinds, placemats, carpet and a uber-cool looking lamp~!
We shifted the old furniture out and rearranged the room..it looks so different now ~! =P
I'm happy that everythings goin' well (",)
Ciaooo..
Just went to Ikea this afternoon and bought all the materials, such as cushions, blinds, placemats, carpet and a uber-cool looking lamp~!
We shifted the old furniture out and rearranged the room..it looks so different now ~! =P
I'm happy that everythings goin' well (",)
Ciaooo..
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Wow..today was a really interesting day...Vince came to my house in the morning and we planned to go to Sentosa..there were certain isssues that bothered we and we kind' of discussed over it...resolvement did not come easy..I couldn't way that we discussed it, but I guess the issue was laid down crudely, but we settled the conflict in the end..Through this, I was able to see a different perspective about things...
As we were too late for Sentosa at 2pm in the noon, I suggested that we'll go to the Yishun swimming complex instead..we bought a rubber football and brought it into the swimming pool. I invented a game that could be played using the sides of the pool, where our legs are required to pass the ball around..it requires teamwork and physical stamina, and we kinda did a few modifications to the game, which is to use our forehead to pass the ball instead...
After coming back home at around 6pm, I took a bus to Audrey's birthday Bash at Bukit Panjang...when I entered the room...I saw the friendly japanese debators who came on our class the other day during FP2.2. I saw Yoshitaka, Atsushi and Yusuke...Yoshitaka instantly recognized me and asked me if I could remember speaking to him the other day...the guys were very friendly...=) I was extremely hungry then and instantly took the food from the buffet..and plonked myself on the table where Faiza, Magdalene and Weiling and Atsushi were sitting at. I had a fun time talking and cracking jokes to them...
As the other japanese guys were off to play some games on the other side of the room, Atsushi was left at his seat, and he introduced himself and we had a very interesting conversation. He asked me many questions..and while I was talking to him, I realised that I was beginning to nod my head and speak in an accent like his. That was weird. o_0
Magdalene was really nice and she got me a second serving of food on my behalf while we were in a middle of a conversation. Soon after finishing my second serving of food, Magdalene, Faiza and Weiling decided that they had to go home...
Atsushi asked me about life in Singapore, such as my interests, hobbies and lifestyle...He was suprised and amazed that I knew so much about the japanese culture, such as my interests in japanese dramas, actors and singers. He mentioned that he hadn't realised that the japanese culture could spread to somewhere as far as Singapore . Atsushi is a very nice and humble person as well as he was mentioning that Japan debators are lousy in comparison with Singapore debators, using his gestures to express it. It was insightful talking to him as we discussed about many things, even the weather,places,time needed to come from Japan( appr. 6 hours although Atsushi said 60 hours at first) in Japan..it was enjoyable relating things to him as he was very helpful and genuine. He was candid about his views about Singapore. He said that it is a cleaner place then Japan where there are more litter on the ground and
also remarked that gals in Singapore are more friendly, kind and polite. The gender equality norm is rising in Japan and he feels that japanese gals are beginning to become selfish and self-centered...
When I told him about my wish to go to Japan in the near future, he suggested that he could be my tour guide. In fact, he even offered to provide free lodging at his house in Tokyo...=) He also asked me if had ever met a japanese gal, and said that he'll introduce his gal friends to me when I visit Japan...
^_-" *subarashi!~
Time passed very quickly whilst chatting and soon, it was time for Audrey begin the cutting cake ceremony. It was rreally funny when we were singing the birthday song..it sounded different hearing a japanese guy like Atsushi singing a birthday song...o_o
Audrey was to be saboed so her group of friends used a guy as a distractor and Audrey went along to the swimming pool, with the thought that everyone wanted to sabo the guy and toss him into the swimming pool...little did she realise that she was the main target. ^_^
The three japanese guys were worried and they stood far away from the pool with the fear that they might be saboed as well...as expected Audrey was being dragged my a few guys and pushed into the pool..she landed with a huge splash and that was hilarious..^0^ When she got off the pool, dripping wet, the first person she went for was Yusuke, well, you can literally hear him scream and struggle for his life....~ *Ahem* I wasn't let off...she gave me a bear hug from the back and I was practically gasping for air...*splutter*
It was approaching ten and the japanese guys had to leave, thus I asked Yoshitaka to leave me his e-mail address..as well...Atsushi's e-mail add is pocky6791102@hotmail.com and he'll update me about stuff in Japan when he goes back..Yoshitaka's e-mail add is del_piero_10_7@yahoo.co.jp..After shaking their hands and soing the polite bow, we waved goodbye and went on our separate ways...
This is one experience that I'll remember. I could feel the passion inside, to explore Japan and I hope that I'll make my dream come true on day...hmm..perhaps I could work during the december holidays to save up for the trip....=)
P.s. Justin approached me and told me that he was glad for me when he saw me chatting with the gals earlier..he was glad that I have opened up and am finally myself...I thank him for his encouragement...('',) Oh and I gotta mention, earlier,Atsushi asked Justin if he was a judo learner coz he so fit what....like Brock Lesnar (although Juz would beg to differ) =P
*whew*...I've typed so much...now I am feeling groggy....to sum up...I am knackered...kay..gotta go...ciao...^_*
As we were too late for Sentosa at 2pm in the noon, I suggested that we'll go to the Yishun swimming complex instead..we bought a rubber football and brought it into the swimming pool. I invented a game that could be played using the sides of the pool, where our legs are required to pass the ball around..it requires teamwork and physical stamina, and we kinda did a few modifications to the game, which is to use our forehead to pass the ball instead...
After coming back home at around 6pm, I took a bus to Audrey's birthday Bash at Bukit Panjang...when I entered the room...I saw the friendly japanese debators who came on our class the other day during FP2.2. I saw Yoshitaka, Atsushi and Yusuke...Yoshitaka instantly recognized me and asked me if I could remember speaking to him the other day...the guys were very friendly...=) I was extremely hungry then and instantly took the food from the buffet..and plonked myself on the table where Faiza, Magdalene and Weiling and Atsushi were sitting at. I had a fun time talking and cracking jokes to them...
As the other japanese guys were off to play some games on the other side of the room, Atsushi was left at his seat, and he introduced himself and we had a very interesting conversation. He asked me many questions..and while I was talking to him, I realised that I was beginning to nod my head and speak in an accent like his. That was weird. o_0
Magdalene was really nice and she got me a second serving of food on my behalf while we were in a middle of a conversation. Soon after finishing my second serving of food, Magdalene, Faiza and Weiling decided that they had to go home...
Atsushi asked me about life in Singapore, such as my interests, hobbies and lifestyle...He was suprised and amazed that I knew so much about the japanese culture, such as my interests in japanese dramas, actors and singers. He mentioned that he hadn't realised that the japanese culture could spread to somewhere as far as Singapore . Atsushi is a very nice and humble person as well as he was mentioning that Japan debators are lousy in comparison with Singapore debators, using his gestures to express it. It was insightful talking to him as we discussed about many things, even the weather,places,time needed to come from Japan( appr. 6 hours although Atsushi said 60 hours at first) in Japan..it was enjoyable relating things to him as he was very helpful and genuine. He was candid about his views about Singapore. He said that it is a cleaner place then Japan where there are more litter on the ground and
also remarked that gals in Singapore are more friendly, kind and polite. The gender equality norm is rising in Japan and he feels that japanese gals are beginning to become selfish and self-centered...
When I told him about my wish to go to Japan in the near future, he suggested that he could be my tour guide. In fact, he even offered to provide free lodging at his house in Tokyo...=) He also asked me if had ever met a japanese gal, and said that he'll introduce his gal friends to me when I visit Japan...
^_-" *subarashi!~
Time passed very quickly whilst chatting and soon, it was time for Audrey begin the cutting cake ceremony. It was rreally funny when we were singing the birthday song..it sounded different hearing a japanese guy like Atsushi singing a birthday song...o_o
Audrey was to be saboed so her group of friends used a guy as a distractor and Audrey went along to the swimming pool, with the thought that everyone wanted to sabo the guy and toss him into the swimming pool...little did she realise that she was the main target. ^_^
The three japanese guys were worried and they stood far away from the pool with the fear that they might be saboed as well...as expected Audrey was being dragged my a few guys and pushed into the pool..she landed with a huge splash and that was hilarious..^0^ When she got off the pool, dripping wet, the first person she went for was Yusuke, well, you can literally hear him scream and struggle for his life....~ *Ahem* I wasn't let off...she gave me a bear hug from the back and I was practically gasping for air...*splutter*
It was approaching ten and the japanese guys had to leave, thus I asked Yoshitaka to leave me his e-mail address..as well...Atsushi's e-mail add is pocky6791102@hotmail.com and he'll update me about stuff in Japan when he goes back..Yoshitaka's e-mail add is del_piero_10_7@yahoo.co.jp..After shaking their hands and soing the polite bow, we waved goodbye and went on our separate ways...
This is one experience that I'll remember. I could feel the passion inside, to explore Japan and I hope that I'll make my dream come true on day...hmm..perhaps I could work during the december holidays to save up for the trip....=)
P.s. Justin approached me and told me that he was glad for me when he saw me chatting with the gals earlier..he was glad that I have opened up and am finally myself...I thank him for his encouragement...('',) Oh and I gotta mention, earlier,Atsushi asked Justin if he was a judo learner coz he so fit what....like Brock Lesnar (although Juz would beg to differ) =P
*whew*...I've typed so much...now I am feeling groggy....to sum up...I am knackered...kay..gotta go...ciao...^_*
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Woah..just had a eventful day..whew...well..to begin...it is about a pet project that Vince, Juz and I were engaging in. It is called the "Requiem' et Triangle room"(I call it that) plan and we will be converting the Triangle Room at 04-04 of our ECH building into a clubhouse for ECH students...It's a legacy that we plan to leave and we're working at it..
Everything was fine...till I felt unfine(if there's such a word) to the way I am working with my teammates..therefore, I approached Vince and attempted to discuss my discomfort about the way I am not being consulted for the decisions and ideas on the project..,we had a clash..Vince decided that he needed some time away..I thought it was fine after Vince came back after a walk...but in the afternoon,during the group discussion, we got into a arguement...I felt sad and guilty towards the way that I might have affected our friendship because of my mistakes, my working habits...I guess I had been insensitive about the way I am asking Vince to help me out/involve me in group discussions...fortunately..when I left to the Sports Complex alone after class...Justin found me and chatted with me...he acknowledged my feelings and also conveyed Vince's perpective to me..he's a great friend and I appreciate him taking the time to help me out..=) After Justin left, Vince came and we had a hear to heart talk..we raised certain issues that are bugging us and acknowledged each other's thoughts..we came to realise that our working styles and personalities are really different, then again..we came to a compromise to work things out..that has always been our motto in our friendship, that is to give each other opportunity to work things out at the end of the day without leaving it unresolved..I was glad after the talk..we feel that we are really cool buddies! I appreciate him a lot as a friend!!
When I was reaching hm..I checked my handphone and saw two new SMSs..one was from Justin and the other was from....Theresa. It asked: "What is troubling you royston?"
It reminded me of the past...There was the Ooh La La competition last semester..and I was low in self-esteem then...Theresa SMSed me in class and asked my how I was, in fact, after class..she gave me a note which was encouraging me to try the competition..that gave me so much courage to spur on..I will never forget that...she's always been a caring and sensitive gal and I am touched beyond words...
I appreciate that she's still my friend. I'll never take her for granted. She means a lot to me....and those memories...they'll stay in my heart...it would have been wonderful if things were meant to be..but....sadly..it isn't.
The unwanted attention...The friendship's humble beginnings...The late night chats...the trip to the car show with tickets from her... Valentine's Day....the IT project...*sigh*
Love is an effort. Love is a decision. Love is giving. Love is sacrifice.
I choose to love.
Everything was fine...till I felt unfine(if there's such a word) to the way I am working with my teammates..therefore, I approached Vince and attempted to discuss my discomfort about the way I am not being consulted for the decisions and ideas on the project..,we had a clash..Vince decided that he needed some time away..I thought it was fine after Vince came back after a walk...but in the afternoon,during the group discussion, we got into a arguement...I felt sad and guilty towards the way that I might have affected our friendship because of my mistakes, my working habits...I guess I had been insensitive about the way I am asking Vince to help me out/involve me in group discussions...fortunately..when I left to the Sports Complex alone after class...Justin found me and chatted with me...he acknowledged my feelings and also conveyed Vince's perpective to me..he's a great friend and I appreciate him taking the time to help me out..=) After Justin left, Vince came and we had a hear to heart talk..we raised certain issues that are bugging us and acknowledged each other's thoughts..we came to realise that our working styles and personalities are really different, then again..we came to a compromise to work things out..that has always been our motto in our friendship, that is to give each other opportunity to work things out at the end of the day without leaving it unresolved..I was glad after the talk..we feel that we are really cool buddies! I appreciate him a lot as a friend!!
When I was reaching hm..I checked my handphone and saw two new SMSs..one was from Justin and the other was from....Theresa. It asked: "What is troubling you royston?"
It reminded me of the past...There was the Ooh La La competition last semester..and I was low in self-esteem then...Theresa SMSed me in class and asked my how I was, in fact, after class..she gave me a note which was encouraging me to try the competition..that gave me so much courage to spur on..I will never forget that...she's always been a caring and sensitive gal and I am touched beyond words...
I appreciate that she's still my friend. I'll never take her for granted. She means a lot to me....and those memories...they'll stay in my heart...it would have been wonderful if things were meant to be..but....sadly..it isn't.
The unwanted attention...The friendship's humble beginnings...The late night chats...the trip to the car show with tickets from her... Valentine's Day....the IT project...*sigh*
Love is an effort. Love is a decision. Love is giving. Love is sacrifice.
I choose to love.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
Whew! My com has been reformatted after it crashed a few days back...it feels so good to start all over again..my com's clean with lotsa hard disk space...well...the clutter of disarrayed files occur when one hasn't reformatted his hard disk in more than 1 and a half years o_O Ah...checked my e-mail and ya..Theresa has replied to my e-mail...=) Anyway..I guess we do really have a hold over this funny thing called love. It is the decision to...or not to love that matters...and I guess I'm feeling that I'm gradually letting go my grip on this unrequited love that I'm experiencing....That means that I' beginning to move on..I hope. *crosses fingers*
Oh..by the way..I had a great time this week...on Thursday, I went to Jurong Point with ma buddy Vince and we did lotsa stuff...played the ate my favorite "Big" prawn noodles...played the arcade, bought mini anime figurines..I kinda like that place..it's totally different over there..I like the "feel", as unexplainable as it seems...hmmpft..perhaps I'm getting bored with my "area" -_-" On friday..we went to Sentosa..woohooo..and yep...it was great fun...hurling sand..diving from the bridge...checking out babes....it was helluva of a time!! I guess the bikini babe in white gave me the most lasting impression...^_^ Well..all I can say was that she left nothing to the imagination..almost. Damn..lucky Vince. =P
On Sat...I hanged out with Mr Goh and Fulin...went to Orchard...and walked all the way from Somerset to Dhoby Gaut...
As always..it was good fun..and great company. =) Anyway..I guess I don't always blog everything in my life..just the significant ones...so here it is...tata..
Oh..by the way..I had a great time this week...on Thursday, I went to Jurong Point with ma buddy Vince and we did lotsa stuff...played the ate my favorite "Big" prawn noodles...played the arcade, bought mini anime figurines..I kinda like that place..it's totally different over there..I like the "feel", as unexplainable as it seems...hmmpft..perhaps I'm getting bored with my "area" -_-" On friday..we went to Sentosa..woohooo..and yep...it was great fun...hurling sand..diving from the bridge...checking out babes....it was helluva of a time!! I guess the bikini babe in white gave me the most lasting impression...^_^ Well..all I can say was that she left nothing to the imagination..almost. Damn..lucky Vince. =P
On Sat...I hanged out with Mr Goh and Fulin...went to Orchard...and walked all the way from Somerset to Dhoby Gaut...
As always..it was good fun..and great company. =) Anyway..I guess I don't always blog everything in my life..just the significant ones...so here it is...tata..
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I've been on a rollercoaster ride for the past year......went thru all types of up and downs...it's made me a stronger person now....life hasn't changed drastically, but my perspective of things has been expanded...as for my relationship with Theresa....I guess it hasn't been too wonderful....were friends..drifted..were friends..drifted..gosh it is tough. So much have changed...she's met the guy....and is happily attached now...me...well...that's another story...
Hmmm...I guess my friendship with Vincent and the rest of the class has improved..I'm finally being myself and starting to feel carefree again..I was so unsure of myself... before..went thru many bad patches(pun intended) But now, I guess it's a happier life I am leading now....I ain't afraid being myself!!
Hmmm...I guess my friendship with Vincent and the rest of the class has improved..I'm finally being myself and starting to feel carefree again..I was so unsure of myself... before..went thru many bad patches(pun intended) But now, I guess it's a happier life I am leading now....I ain't afraid being myself!!
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