Gosh. The worst thing I have been feeling for years and years...being ALONE. Emotionally. My parents will always look at me as the IMMATURE, SELF-CENTRED idiot, who whines his time away, who is WEAK and is USELESS. I am losing it.



No one to connect to. No one to rely on. No one to trust in.



All so fleeting. People come, people go.



God! I know that you are here, but I can't just accept it, being that person who can only look to you. Seemingly, it is the last resort, to place my faith on someone as spiritual as you. How insipid I am. LEECH that I am, always seeking for someone to talk to, to share my sentiments with...



I don't deserve all this, or do I?



Judgements placed on me. Just like a massive rock, that never gets lifted.

Hands bonded into the rock, tighter each and every time.

Mouth tries to scream, but is drowned by own's mind.

Frustrated sentiments. Anger.

Sadness. Pain. Lost. Loss of hope.



Am I destined to be like this?

Can no one understand me at all?....AT ALL?



The mind is deeper than the ocean

The feelings are stronger than any metal

Anger burning more than any fire



God. I place myself in your hands. I am so weak, so weak.

It is so hard to be close to you. I am ashamed. I forget you, I leave you out of my thoughts. I am sorry, and I hope that it isn't for as long as I am ashamed.

God, give me the serenity to accept everything that I have are do not have.

God, bless me with your love, your understanding, you support, for I have...



NO ONE ELSE TO SEEK IT FROM...

Woah, woah woah, it's really time to blog gain, that's kinda lots of stuff that has happened recently...*holds breath*, so here I go!~



Hmmm...okay, IEP has been completed, the learning fair was a success, the presentation was a-okay, whatever it is, we have worked as a team, and pust in our utmost. That's satisfying still. =) Oh, and Theresa, she gave me a hand-made card with a picture of tatty bear on the cover. It was really sweet of her; she wrote about me, and what she thought of me...what can I say, that's a lot of words that I have read for the first time. Thanks. I feel that whatever was written, it just made me feel that it is worth it. =)



Oh, and for the graduation, I invited Theresa to go, but she isn't able to go due to financial difficulties...I offered to help her with it, but she rejected it gently...=/ Still, I've made a date for an outing to hang out with her! =P



School's ending in last than a week, I feel a tinge of sadness, that will go stronger as the day draws nearer...=( I'm gonna miss everything, Ngee Ann polytechic, the smell, the, people, the memories.....*sigh*



Am I moving on again, have I reached a transition stage again?

I'm probably lose most of my friends...my bro whom I used to have so much trust and faith in, my God-loving friend who has helped me countless times, the gal that is special to me...and a whole lot of friends that I made in that three years in ECH. They are all wonderful and unique people, and I appreciate them! I'll have to say that I'm proud of being in ECH. The experience that I had was wonderful, the lecturers, staff, I just am enjoying every moment of being an ECH student!



That's a few important things that I learnt recently. Gals. Whew. Don't ever make them dislike you(though it doesn't help even if you try hard), you'll have hell to pay. Gossip, backstabbing. Ermmm. Scary.



Many things in life, we have to feel it, experience it, determine it by ourselves. Notice that I do not use the word: judge



To judge: To form an opinion of someone or something



I mean, to judge, usually in a bad way.



Often, anyone might the tendency to do that, but we are rarely aware of a certain truth when we tend to place too much of our judgement of things and people. We can speculate, but not judge. It can hurt people. We'll hurt ourselves in the end.



Here's my saying:



"A wonderful friend is not the most perfect and kind person you meet, but the one who tries the hardest. It does not matter how they are like to others, but how they are to you. "



Thank you, God. Last week, when I went Justin's house, we had a long talk about my feelings of being lost, without a zest and direction in life. He mentioned that, it might not only be that I'm longing for that "special gal" in my life, but it encompasses something else as well. It is my longing to be connected. To God. No gal can fufill what I am wishing for completely. No gal can fill that void completely. God can. At that moment, I understood. Thank you, Juz, for making that step. I appreciate all that you've done. God does his wonders. He guided you and made you a fine and God-loving person. Bless you. =)



I found God, and I feel that He exist. I have felt a change in me as soon as I am open. Open to Him. I feel so cherished and loved. I am sheltered with his love and wishes for me. God. I give myself to you. These days, I feel that I am looking at Life differently...and things will change for the better. I'm no longer walking alone, for I have Him, who never fails to be by my side.



I have a dream. Never alone. Filled with love. In the arms of love. Smiles. Joy. Peace.

Heya Blog...*sigh*



Made a card the day before for Theresa to thank her for helping out at the IEP...it was a card with a flower and felt material...erm..I passed it out in the most inappropriate moment(?), hmmm...I wondered if she liked it....=/



Anyway, trust me to be that paranoid freak. Boo.



I just hope that it wasn't bcause I seemed to be showing favoritism to her over Cindy, who too helped out at the IEP. Justin and the others have some left-over fund to buy gifts for those who helped in the IEP, Yanlin and Beaver(Jean my IEP group member) were the other two helpful people...=)



Actually, from my point of view, what Theresa did was to take the initiative to msg me to volunteer to help, so somehow, that was a lil' different for me; I truly appreciate it...so I followed my heart and decided to get her a gift as a way of thanking her. It was a tiny glass dolphin keychain that I bought in Taiwan a few years ago...*Sigh* I hope that that does not make her think that I was "going" to woo her again. All I want is to maintain our friendship, to make things better...



Somehow, it is so me. I always screw things up. =(



I would never dream of anything anymore. That "romance" was over. Period.



Anyway, I have been truthful, honest as I am, and aboveboard. God guide me the way.



Well, by the way, there's the movie that I would like to have a special mention of.



The Passion Of The Christ



Watched it last Saturday when Justin got us tickets....that was a great movie. Moving in many ways, and affected I have been. IT's really show a different side to things. In the world of cruelty and self-centreness, we have Jesus. He showed the world that He is pure, that He bears no sin, and is willing to die for our sins. The brutal scenes in the movie has shocked me, the blood that He shed for the people, for us, was done with love, love that transcends time and space. That's the glory of God's love. Neverending.



Our Father,

Who Art in Heaven

Hallowed Be Thou Name

Thy Kingdom Come

Thy Will Be Done

On Earth As It Is In Heaven

Give Us This Day

Our Daily Bread

Forgive Us Our Trespasses

As We Forgive Those

Who trespass Against Us

Lead us not into Temptation

But Deliver us From Evil

For thy is the kingdom and the glory forever and ever...



Amen



That's the Lord's Prayer.



I was overwhelmed by sadness. By pain. A sorry sight. A man filled with love. No man could ever do that. Jesus Christ. Our father, our Lord.