*Sigh* Lost my beads bracelet today during my outing with my pals...can't believe that it disappeared from my wrist, just like that. =( That is sad.



Well, I just keep having this feeling..that I am lost. Really lost. There ain't a direction, a zest in my life that I have. It's pretty sad but heh..it is true. I don't seem to be determined enough to do or try out things. Often, I'll talk about it, and leave it at that. There were plans for me for this vacation, that is:



1. Visit places that I've always wanted to; try doing things and experiencing life in a more varied perspective.



2. Practice "Percussion freaks" frequently at the arcade (it is one of those things that I throughly enjoy doing)



3. Learn how to blade. (Mind the falls and scrapes)



4. Resolve my thoughts, the knots in my life. Think about things.



5. Find a job? (I know it is the last objective but heh.)



Gosh. I seem to be afraid of discussing my feelings, even with myself. Everyday, I keep actively seek for things to engage in, things to enjoy and pass my time with. Sometimes, I feel that i am a leech. I am wondering if this bears its marks on people around me. Hell. I feel insecure because of that. Exhausted, conflicting thoughts. Fear.

Fear of loss. Be it from relationships , material objects, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I AM paranoid. Very. I often dread about unfortunate things, and cling onto what I have around me, seemingly dreading that they'll disappear any minute.



My fear from the past has returned to haunt me.



Questions that always run in my mind. Reflections that I often make.



1. What am I to the people around me? In physical impression, interaction, trait.



2. Am I living? Or am I merely breathing?



3. What do I need?



4. What do I lack?



5. Why does fear always fill me up?



6. If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter?



Life is so fragile. Here today gone tomorrow.



Life is impermanence.



"Hold onto something however silly it seems, if it could make you smile brightly, even for a moment."



To sum up..I am an insecure freak.



Ever since I've "given up" on love, I've given up a lot. I feel empty.

I hardly hear from her these days..that isn't anything left...no replies...no nothing.

Funny, love can be so real, so blind. Things weren't meant to be..and I never realised that...till the moment I gave up. Void. Silence.



Fate. What is in store for me?