Woah, woah woah, it's really time to blog gain, that's kinda lots of stuff that has happened recently...*holds breath*, so here I go!~



Hmmm...okay, IEP has been completed, the learning fair was a success, the presentation was a-okay, whatever it is, we have worked as a team, and pust in our utmost. That's satisfying still. =) Oh, and Theresa, she gave me a hand-made card with a picture of tatty bear on the cover. It was really sweet of her; she wrote about me, and what she thought of me...what can I say, that's a lot of words that I have read for the first time. Thanks. I feel that whatever was written, it just made me feel that it is worth it. =)



Oh, and for the graduation, I invited Theresa to go, but she isn't able to go due to financial difficulties...I offered to help her with it, but she rejected it gently...=/ Still, I've made a date for an outing to hang out with her! =P



School's ending in last than a week, I feel a tinge of sadness, that will go stronger as the day draws nearer...=( I'm gonna miss everything, Ngee Ann polytechic, the smell, the, people, the memories.....*sigh*



Am I moving on again, have I reached a transition stage again?

I'm probably lose most of my friends...my bro whom I used to have so much trust and faith in, my God-loving friend who has helped me countless times, the gal that is special to me...and a whole lot of friends that I made in that three years in ECH. They are all wonderful and unique people, and I appreciate them! I'll have to say that I'm proud of being in ECH. The experience that I had was wonderful, the lecturers, staff, I just am enjoying every moment of being an ECH student!



That's a few important things that I learnt recently. Gals. Whew. Don't ever make them dislike you(though it doesn't help even if you try hard), you'll have hell to pay. Gossip, backstabbing. Ermmm. Scary.



Many things in life, we have to feel it, experience it, determine it by ourselves. Notice that I do not use the word: judge



To judge: To form an opinion of someone or something



I mean, to judge, usually in a bad way.



Often, anyone might the tendency to do that, but we are rarely aware of a certain truth when we tend to place too much of our judgement of things and people. We can speculate, but not judge. It can hurt people. We'll hurt ourselves in the end.



Here's my saying:



"A wonderful friend is not the most perfect and kind person you meet, but the one who tries the hardest. It does not matter how they are like to others, but how they are to you. "



Thank you, God. Last week, when I went Justin's house, we had a long talk about my feelings of being lost, without a zest and direction in life. He mentioned that, it might not only be that I'm longing for that "special gal" in my life, but it encompasses something else as well. It is my longing to be connected. To God. No gal can fufill what I am wishing for completely. No gal can fill that void completely. God can. At that moment, I understood. Thank you, Juz, for making that step. I appreciate all that you've done. God does his wonders. He guided you and made you a fine and God-loving person. Bless you. =)



I found God, and I feel that He exist. I have felt a change in me as soon as I am open. Open to Him. I feel so cherished and loved. I am sheltered with his love and wishes for me. God. I give myself to you. These days, I feel that I am looking at Life differently...and things will change for the better. I'm no longer walking alone, for I have Him, who never fails to be by my side.



I have a dream. Never alone. Filled with love. In the arms of love. Smiles. Joy. Peace.

Heya Blog...*sigh*



Made a card the day before for Theresa to thank her for helping out at the IEP...it was a card with a flower and felt material...erm..I passed it out in the most inappropriate moment(?), hmmm...I wondered if she liked it....=/



Anyway, trust me to be that paranoid freak. Boo.



I just hope that it wasn't bcause I seemed to be showing favoritism to her over Cindy, who too helped out at the IEP. Justin and the others have some left-over fund to buy gifts for those who helped in the IEP, Yanlin and Beaver(Jean my IEP group member) were the other two helpful people...=)



Actually, from my point of view, what Theresa did was to take the initiative to msg me to volunteer to help, so somehow, that was a lil' different for me; I truly appreciate it...so I followed my heart and decided to get her a gift as a way of thanking her. It was a tiny glass dolphin keychain that I bought in Taiwan a few years ago...*Sigh* I hope that that does not make her think that I was "going" to woo her again. All I want is to maintain our friendship, to make things better...



Somehow, it is so me. I always screw things up. =(



I would never dream of anything anymore. That "romance" was over. Period.



Anyway, I have been truthful, honest as I am, and aboveboard. God guide me the way.



Well, by the way, there's the movie that I would like to have a special mention of.



The Passion Of The Christ



Watched it last Saturday when Justin got us tickets....that was a great movie. Moving in many ways, and affected I have been. IT's really show a different side to things. In the world of cruelty and self-centreness, we have Jesus. He showed the world that He is pure, that He bears no sin, and is willing to die for our sins. The brutal scenes in the movie has shocked me, the blood that He shed for the people, for us, was done with love, love that transcends time and space. That's the glory of God's love. Neverending.



Our Father,

Who Art in Heaven

Hallowed Be Thou Name

Thy Kingdom Come

Thy Will Be Done

On Earth As It Is In Heaven

Give Us This Day

Our Daily Bread

Forgive Us Our Trespasses

As We Forgive Those

Who trespass Against Us

Lead us not into Temptation

But Deliver us From Evil

For thy is the kingdom and the glory forever and ever...



Amen



That's the Lord's Prayer.



I was overwhelmed by sadness. By pain. A sorry sight. A man filled with love. No man could ever do that. Jesus Christ. Our father, our Lord.

Blogin' time again...hmmm...I can do 9 pullups, heh heh heh. =P



Well well well, time really flies like an eyelid on steroids! Erm..well, usually, I would say, "With the blink of an eye but it's really fast, time elapsing, that is, so I just felt that I had to express it this way..xD" really quickly...everyone is so enbroiled in the IEP, in day to day projects, presentations; hmmm...have we the time to pause and say "Hey, school's gonna end before you know it?"



"All the things around you, the setting, the smell, the people...we'll be away forever...leaving memories behind...."*sniff*



Well, been cherishing these moments a lot, been thinking...I feel a tinge of sadness...life's just a journey, ain't it? One transition after another. *Sigh*



"Good life lessons learnt I have." *imitates Yoda fro the Star Wars*



Note to myself:



Me: Hey, know what? I aight afterall! I ain't thaaaaaaaat useless crap..I'm better that that. I am a SLUG! =o





On FUN=========



Booyeah! I am a l33t battler, was playing neopets, teehee, fought a whole battalion of pixels...lol. Been fightin' the neopian war titled "Defender of Meridell against Lord Kass" Blah. Well, it takes effort, yeah? Clicking using my very own "Optical faerie brand" mouse...clicking endlessly...*phew* -___-" Lotsa patience for those freakin'webpages to load, that f***up Singnet broadband service is killing me..the LAG! Arrrgh. Then again. Cool down. I need to stem that temper of mine. Really makes me a lil' too aggressive sometimes.



On a special gal===========



These days, I just felt the need to maintain more contact with theresa, to show her a lil' bit of concern, here and there..I guess I miss her...well, I really wish to talk to her in person....but I'm just too shy!? (I've been avoiding face to face contact, consciously*it's like I get speechless...) Know what? When I graduate(I better be!!!?), I'll miss her ...After all, she was someone whom I really tried to know better, someone whom I...to this day, is still indescribly attracted to...Nevertheless, there is romance and there is truth. Though it might feel so "heartwrenching and longing" to feel this way, feels melancholically good to be feeling this way(humans are perverse creatures I tell you *j/k*), reality sets in. She is attached, very attached, erm, so yeah. That's about it. Heh.



Well, then, I felt that she wouldn't have liked me, regardless to whether she was attached; I was a big piece of crap.



But hey, I am feelin' better now...I am a true-blue SLUG now, so hmm..it gives me a higher chance. For the least, I do know that my cousin, the snail is well loved by the masses...so...



Escargot anyone? =P



Okay, I seem to be really crappy today. xD





On Work===========





Gosh, get the projects and IEP done with..I'll be lesser-stressed person...sheeesh.

Well, my motto for now *says it proudly with chin tilted up* erheeeeem...SUCK IT UP!





GAMBATTE YO....JiaYOU....

OMG! I can do 7 pullups! Thanks to my dad, who got be a full-up bar, I was able to train everyday...;)



Quoth:



"To be a good lover, you have to be a good friend."



Erm. Well, that stands, at least for now =P



The horizon's clear in sight...I haven't found the "One". She will come, I believe...one day....I am growing day by day, learning more about life, the choices I have to make, the responsibilities, morals, perspectives...Life is a entire universe of experiences, always distinctly unique for each and every one of us. Us. Small as we are, just specks in the vastness of the universe. Humans. So perfect we are. God given.



Live, I say, live to live.



Life itself is a tragedy. >>>>> <<<<< Life itself is a meaningful journey



Which who you chose to look at? Many a time, we tend to sway from the left to right and vice versa...on one hand, life is so mundane, so difficult, on the other hand, life is such a unique and relevational journey...



Dictionary:



Perspective : a way of thinking about something, related to your background, experience or beliefs.



Perspectives change, we can be opened to so many possibilities...in just a moment. All we need is to have an open mind and heart. To reach within ourselves, to delve into our souls, to know and understand what we need.



Some things take time. Only time knows it.

Hmmm...it's about time I stopped procrastinating. Darn. Just blog, damnit! Sometimes, it just feels so tough. >=(





Well, many events have occured during the last few weeks, and I must admit that I've learnt quite a lot. I've become more...resilient. Erm. Sounds like a "chim" word, but that basically means that I am now stronger than before, physically and mentally...I've been able to take things in my stride these days, and feel confident about the things that I am doing...and love for my life. Yeah.



My lifestyle has always been that of a simple guy, and routine stuff keeps me secure. It has always been expected that Vince, my buddy, would always hang out with me, and ya know, provide the kind of emotional integrity and support. Well, it has always been like that.



Then, we were still resolving an issue about me comparing myself to him whenever we are trying out stuff that we like. As we share similar interests, we tend to do the same sort of stuff every time we went out, and it always seemes that he was better. Much better. At least that was how I thought of him. With the sort of competiveness that I had against him, I often "tried to do things on my own time" and impress him whenever I could. Y'know, show him who's boss for once. One example: I love the arcade's Percussion Freaks a lot and I kept practising as often as I could. When we went jamming, he would always be so "enthusiastic" about it and I could feel his "passion" burning within him...that's where it affected me. I could't stand that it seemed that he is always game for something new...don't you have your own interests? That was how I thought. I always tried being sarcastic by saying, " You have learnt the singing, soccer ,piano, guitar, and now percussion, what's up? Are you gonna take over the world? There was a part of me that looked at all that with disbelief. "How in the freakin world can this guy be so passionate about everything, seemingly almost EVERYTHING that I liked! I was definitely jealous then, and insecure. He was like this "BETTER VERSION" of me, and I felt that, no matter what I did, I would always be in shadow of this guy.



After the percussion freaks session, I made some sarcastic remarks about him and his "exuberant enthusiam" and it got to him. He said that he felt that he had to give in to me wheever I made a comment like that. It was like I blamed him. Deep down, I felt pangs of guilt. I knew it was because of him, it could be anyone that I have gotten jealous or inferior. It was me. MY perspective. I was probably addressing my pent-up feelings, and that was the only thing that came out...



He was like" Hey, I think I give up. You would never understand. You are too caught up in this. Who are you hurting but yourself!"



I felt really guilty. And somehow, I came to a realisation. I could just look beyond what really things are and seek for the real meaning of it. I would weigh the situation, and decide what's really important and which is the best perspective to look at. Instead of looking at the fact that "he would be better than me in Percussion Freaks in no time", I would look at how much effort I have given, and the improvement that I made. IT is what I do with my life that is worth it and the end of the day! I am me. And I do things for me!



Since that day onward, things have become much better for our friendship, and I have lightened up too!



As weeks pass by, we all got embroiled in school's assignments, projects, and I got really stressed up. I just trudged on, trying not to lament, but to move, move, move.



And there's the news of my buddy's new romance. =O



He kept it from his friends for a while, and being his bro, I was really disappointed and hurt by his actions. Why didn't he share it with me? Then, it just felt that the connection we had were torn. What made him do that, I was wondering? If that weren't such a big matter, why would he keep it from us...and he's only got to know the gal recently?!



A side of me was worried for him. Is he gonna dive headfirst into a relationship? Just like before? Has he come come to a new realisation, a new perspective?



EGOCENTRICALLY,



It felt that things WERE happening again...typical.



I get to know friend.

Friend and I become buddies.

Something crops up, that cause a rift in the friendship.

Friend feels " Time to move on, I found something else more important and that the friendship we have had is no longer a priority or concern of mine."

Adjourning.



New start again in next chapter of life, devoid of connections to people who were "friends" before...



________________________





That was how things happened to me before, that was how my friends left me. I felt disconnected from all those people whom I thought I built a solid friendship with.



Guangsheng: Primary/sec buddy or more than ten years



Hmmm...this guy, a great pal, had so much fun together. Shared a similar passion for soccer, songs, gals...there used to be those soccer matches we had the field in his neigbourhood or even at the void deck, times where we "dressed to kill" and went to shopping centres to check gals out, times where we just chilled out at his/my house playing PS, writing to penpals, and talked about life. Things chnaged after sec 4, we were drifting apart, he started working, became a christian...shifted his priorities...



I felt sad and angry then. He was saying " Yeah, we are still buddies, but whenever I asked him out, he'll always have other priorities set before it. I gave up asking him out. Obviously he didn't care that much about that brotherhood we had.



Haven't heard from him for quite a while. I wish the best for him.



Sameen: Sec mate. Spunky gal that I remember always for her strong beliefs, dare-devil attitude and sweet personality. Then, both of us were like "outcasts" in our class..we weren't cool, or academically good, but who is to judge us? We had so much fun crap chatting, sharing deep conversations, making jokes...she has been a constant source of support for me. She has been very encouraging to me, she told me once, that " If you feel that this is something that will make you happy, go for it. Do not conform to peer pressure. You are unique! People can judge all they want. So what? Just believe in yourself!"



I guess I was in a self-actualisation stage then....and still is now. =P

I knew, I never did conform totally to peer pressure, but was very critical of myself. It seemed then that I did not care, but what people said of me has always affected me deeply. Be it postive or negative.



Still, I am grateful to have known her. Things have changed. The last time I spoke to her, which was more that three years ago, we just didn't seem to be able to "connect" as before...



These great friends that I had...each one of them left me with unique and wonderful memories.



They'll stay in my heart, always.



________________________________





Hmmm, back to the present. Those thoughts were entering my mind again. Fear.



Would it end with my "bumhead" buddy, Vince?



I guess I lost some faith in him since the last incident, but I guess time will only tell, if our "brotherhood" would last, or be washed away with time. ;)



What was once filled with chill-out times with my bro, are now replaced with voids of time.



Heh. I grew used to it. I'm coping pretty well. And my bro's busier by the day =P



In a reflective note, I am able to take things in my stride these days. It doesn't really matter so much; I'm not afraid to be out of my "comfort zone". I can also take disappointments a lot better than before.



I've grown to be able to give and take.



These are the things that I've discovered about myself....and I am glad, in a subtle way.



__________________________





Christian: Love is a many splendoured thing. It lifts us up where we belong! All you need is Love!



Me: Yeah? All you need is love? Passion gets you only THIS far. *show him the length of my thumb*

Blogin' time. =)



Been a while, yeah.



Saw Pearly after school at the bustop today. Yes. Pearly Peck Kuang Mei. The first gal that I had a crush on during Sec 4 at Presbyterian High. Wrote about here in my diary a long time back. Hasn't changed much. She's still pretty and "my type". =) Took the opportunity and sad right behind her. I guess I never thought I would see her again...and it's like the first time I ever been that near to her...*swoon*(Erm, no dirty thoughts pls). Wait. Guts don't swoon over gals, do they? 0_0" Vincent(my bud)'s feminism traits must have rubbed off on me. xD



*sigh* I guess it feels so different this time...it's been years, and the memory, it is diminished, but is nevertheless, a memorable one. Just wondred how things would have been had I approached her then. Never had the courage though. But, ah-ha, I picked that form of courage and "thick-skinnedness" when I met Yanxin. Yeah. The dream gal. My dream gal. Perfect in my memory. *Gushes* Damn, I should really give myself a tight slap. 0_o"



Stilllllll...life's just so suprising sometimes.



Serendipity in its most ironic forms.

An nice poem that sums up my heartfelt thoughts.





"I LOVED YOU ONCE"



Alexander Pushkin (1799-1837)



I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;



For it would seem that love still lingers there;



But do not you be further troubled by it;



I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.







I loved you without hope, a mute offender;



What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!



A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,



God grant another may yet offer you.