Hmmm...it's about time I stopped procrastinating. Darn. Just blog, damnit! Sometimes, it just feels so tough. >=(





Well, many events have occured during the last few weeks, and I must admit that I've learnt quite a lot. I've become more...resilient. Erm. Sounds like a "chim" word, but that basically means that I am now stronger than before, physically and mentally...I've been able to take things in my stride these days, and feel confident about the things that I am doing...and love for my life. Yeah.



My lifestyle has always been that of a simple guy, and routine stuff keeps me secure. It has always been expected that Vince, my buddy, would always hang out with me, and ya know, provide the kind of emotional integrity and support. Well, it has always been like that.



Then, we were still resolving an issue about me comparing myself to him whenever we are trying out stuff that we like. As we share similar interests, we tend to do the same sort of stuff every time we went out, and it always seemes that he was better. Much better. At least that was how I thought of him. With the sort of competiveness that I had against him, I often "tried to do things on my own time" and impress him whenever I could. Y'know, show him who's boss for once. One example: I love the arcade's Percussion Freaks a lot and I kept practising as often as I could. When we went jamming, he would always be so "enthusiastic" about it and I could feel his "passion" burning within him...that's where it affected me. I could't stand that it seemed that he is always game for something new...don't you have your own interests? That was how I thought. I always tried being sarcastic by saying, " You have learnt the singing, soccer ,piano, guitar, and now percussion, what's up? Are you gonna take over the world? There was a part of me that looked at all that with disbelief. "How in the freakin world can this guy be so passionate about everything, seemingly almost EVERYTHING that I liked! I was definitely jealous then, and insecure. He was like this "BETTER VERSION" of me, and I felt that, no matter what I did, I would always be in shadow of this guy.



After the percussion freaks session, I made some sarcastic remarks about him and his "exuberant enthusiam" and it got to him. He said that he felt that he had to give in to me wheever I made a comment like that. It was like I blamed him. Deep down, I felt pangs of guilt. I knew it was because of him, it could be anyone that I have gotten jealous or inferior. It was me. MY perspective. I was probably addressing my pent-up feelings, and that was the only thing that came out...



He was like" Hey, I think I give up. You would never understand. You are too caught up in this. Who are you hurting but yourself!"



I felt really guilty. And somehow, I came to a realisation. I could just look beyond what really things are and seek for the real meaning of it. I would weigh the situation, and decide what's really important and which is the best perspective to look at. Instead of looking at the fact that "he would be better than me in Percussion Freaks in no time", I would look at how much effort I have given, and the improvement that I made. IT is what I do with my life that is worth it and the end of the day! I am me. And I do things for me!



Since that day onward, things have become much better for our friendship, and I have lightened up too!



As weeks pass by, we all got embroiled in school's assignments, projects, and I got really stressed up. I just trudged on, trying not to lament, but to move, move, move.



And there's the news of my buddy's new romance. =O



He kept it from his friends for a while, and being his bro, I was really disappointed and hurt by his actions. Why didn't he share it with me? Then, it just felt that the connection we had were torn. What made him do that, I was wondering? If that weren't such a big matter, why would he keep it from us...and he's only got to know the gal recently?!



A side of me was worried for him. Is he gonna dive headfirst into a relationship? Just like before? Has he come come to a new realisation, a new perspective?



EGOCENTRICALLY,



It felt that things WERE happening again...typical.



I get to know friend.

Friend and I become buddies.

Something crops up, that cause a rift in the friendship.

Friend feels " Time to move on, I found something else more important and that the friendship we have had is no longer a priority or concern of mine."

Adjourning.



New start again in next chapter of life, devoid of connections to people who were "friends" before...



________________________





That was how things happened to me before, that was how my friends left me. I felt disconnected from all those people whom I thought I built a solid friendship with.



Guangsheng: Primary/sec buddy or more than ten years



Hmmm...this guy, a great pal, had so much fun together. Shared a similar passion for soccer, songs, gals...there used to be those soccer matches we had the field in his neigbourhood or even at the void deck, times where we "dressed to kill" and went to shopping centres to check gals out, times where we just chilled out at his/my house playing PS, writing to penpals, and talked about life. Things chnaged after sec 4, we were drifting apart, he started working, became a christian...shifted his priorities...



I felt sad and angry then. He was saying " Yeah, we are still buddies, but whenever I asked him out, he'll always have other priorities set before it. I gave up asking him out. Obviously he didn't care that much about that brotherhood we had.



Haven't heard from him for quite a while. I wish the best for him.



Sameen: Sec mate. Spunky gal that I remember always for her strong beliefs, dare-devil attitude and sweet personality. Then, both of us were like "outcasts" in our class..we weren't cool, or academically good, but who is to judge us? We had so much fun crap chatting, sharing deep conversations, making jokes...she has been a constant source of support for me. She has been very encouraging to me, she told me once, that " If you feel that this is something that will make you happy, go for it. Do not conform to peer pressure. You are unique! People can judge all they want. So what? Just believe in yourself!"



I guess I was in a self-actualisation stage then....and still is now. =P

I knew, I never did conform totally to peer pressure, but was very critical of myself. It seemed then that I did not care, but what people said of me has always affected me deeply. Be it postive or negative.



Still, I am grateful to have known her. Things have changed. The last time I spoke to her, which was more that three years ago, we just didn't seem to be able to "connect" as before...



These great friends that I had...each one of them left me with unique and wonderful memories.



They'll stay in my heart, always.



________________________________





Hmmm, back to the present. Those thoughts were entering my mind again. Fear.



Would it end with my "bumhead" buddy, Vince?



I guess I lost some faith in him since the last incident, but I guess time will only tell, if our "brotherhood" would last, or be washed away with time. ;)



What was once filled with chill-out times with my bro, are now replaced with voids of time.



Heh. I grew used to it. I'm coping pretty well. And my bro's busier by the day =P



In a reflective note, I am able to take things in my stride these days. It doesn't really matter so much; I'm not afraid to be out of my "comfort zone". I can also take disappointments a lot better than before.



I've grown to be able to give and take.



These are the things that I've discovered about myself....and I am glad, in a subtle way.



__________________________





Christian: Love is a many splendoured thing. It lifts us up where we belong! All you need is Love!



Me: Yeah? All you need is love? Passion gets you only THIS far. *show him the length of my thumb*

Blogin' time. =)



Been a while, yeah.



Saw Pearly after school at the bustop today. Yes. Pearly Peck Kuang Mei. The first gal that I had a crush on during Sec 4 at Presbyterian High. Wrote about here in my diary a long time back. Hasn't changed much. She's still pretty and "my type". =) Took the opportunity and sad right behind her. I guess I never thought I would see her again...and it's like the first time I ever been that near to her...*swoon*(Erm, no dirty thoughts pls). Wait. Guts don't swoon over gals, do they? 0_0" Vincent(my bud)'s feminism traits must have rubbed off on me. xD



*sigh* I guess it feels so different this time...it's been years, and the memory, it is diminished, but is nevertheless, a memorable one. Just wondred how things would have been had I approached her then. Never had the courage though. But, ah-ha, I picked that form of courage and "thick-skinnedness" when I met Yanxin. Yeah. The dream gal. My dream gal. Perfect in my memory. *Gushes* Damn, I should really give myself a tight slap. 0_o"



Stilllllll...life's just so suprising sometimes.



Serendipity in its most ironic forms.

An nice poem that sums up my heartfelt thoughts.





"I LOVED YOU ONCE"



Alexander Pushkin (1799-1837)



I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;



For it would seem that love still lingers there;



But do not you be further troubled by it;



I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.







I loved you without hope, a mute offender;



What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!



A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,



God grant another may yet offer you.

Saw this in Karen's e-mail. I think the words really mean a lot. I feel all of it.



=============================



The greatest pain in life

is not to die, but to be ignored.





To lose the person you love so

much to another who doesn't care at all.





To have someone you care so about so much throw a party...

and not tell you about it.





When your favorite person on earth

neglects to invite you to his graduation.





To have people think that you don't care.





The greatest pain in life,

is not to die,

but to be forgotten.





To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.





To never get a call from a friend,

just saying "hi".





When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.





For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.





When it seems like the only person who cares about you,

is you.





Life is full of pain,

but does it ever get better?





Will people ever care about each other,

and make time for those who are in need?





Each of us has a part to play

in this great show we call life.





Each of us has a duty to mankind

to tell our friends we love them.





If you do not care about your friends

you will not be punished.





You will simply be ignored...

forgotten...

as you have done to others.



========================

*Sigh* Lost my beads bracelet today during my outing with my pals...can't believe that it disappeared from my wrist, just like that. =( That is sad.



Well, I just keep having this feeling..that I am lost. Really lost. There ain't a direction, a zest in my life that I have. It's pretty sad but heh..it is true. I don't seem to be determined enough to do or try out things. Often, I'll talk about it, and leave it at that. There were plans for me for this vacation, that is:



1. Visit places that I've always wanted to; try doing things and experiencing life in a more varied perspective.



2. Practice "Percussion freaks" frequently at the arcade (it is one of those things that I throughly enjoy doing)



3. Learn how to blade. (Mind the falls and scrapes)



4. Resolve my thoughts, the knots in my life. Think about things.



5. Find a job? (I know it is the last objective but heh.)



Gosh. I seem to be afraid of discussing my feelings, even with myself. Everyday, I keep actively seek for things to engage in, things to enjoy and pass my time with. Sometimes, I feel that i am a leech. I am wondering if this bears its marks on people around me. Hell. I feel insecure because of that. Exhausted, conflicting thoughts. Fear.

Fear of loss. Be it from relationships , material objects, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I AM paranoid. Very. I often dread about unfortunate things, and cling onto what I have around me, seemingly dreading that they'll disappear any minute.



My fear from the past has returned to haunt me.



Questions that always run in my mind. Reflections that I often make.



1. What am I to the people around me? In physical impression, interaction, trait.



2. Am I living? Or am I merely breathing?



3. What do I need?



4. What do I lack?



5. Why does fear always fill me up?



6. If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter?



Life is so fragile. Here today gone tomorrow.



Life is impermanence.



"Hold onto something however silly it seems, if it could make you smile brightly, even for a moment."



To sum up..I am an insecure freak.



Ever since I've "given up" on love, I've given up a lot. I feel empty.

I hardly hear from her these days..that isn't anything left...no replies...no nothing.

Funny, love can be so real, so blind. Things weren't meant to be..and I never realised that...till the moment I gave up. Void. Silence.



Fate. What is in store for me?

Ema Rikumori : She looks a lot like Yanxin. Pretty, ain't she? =) There's not much info about her at the moment, but according to sources, she was one of the shortlisted candidates to join the everchanging Morning Musume girl group. =o

Heya. Back to blogging business after a hiatus. Phew. That's a couple of life's lessons that I've learnt during the past few months. =o