An nice poem that sums up my heartfelt thoughts.





"I LOVED YOU ONCE"



Alexander Pushkin (1799-1837)



I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;



For it would seem that love still lingers there;



But do not you be further troubled by it;



I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.







I loved you without hope, a mute offender;



What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!



A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,



God grant another may yet offer you.

Saw this in Karen's e-mail. I think the words really mean a lot. I feel all of it.



=============================



The greatest pain in life

is not to die, but to be ignored.





To lose the person you love so

much to another who doesn't care at all.





To have someone you care so about so much throw a party...

and not tell you about it.





When your favorite person on earth

neglects to invite you to his graduation.





To have people think that you don't care.





The greatest pain in life,

is not to die,

but to be forgotten.





To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.





To never get a call from a friend,

just saying "hi".





When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.





For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.





When it seems like the only person who cares about you,

is you.





Life is full of pain,

but does it ever get better?





Will people ever care about each other,

and make time for those who are in need?





Each of us has a part to play

in this great show we call life.





Each of us has a duty to mankind

to tell our friends we love them.





If you do not care about your friends

you will not be punished.





You will simply be ignored...

forgotten...

as you have done to others.



========================

*Sigh* Lost my beads bracelet today during my outing with my pals...can't believe that it disappeared from my wrist, just like that. =( That is sad.



Well, I just keep having this feeling..that I am lost. Really lost. There ain't a direction, a zest in my life that I have. It's pretty sad but heh..it is true. I don't seem to be determined enough to do or try out things. Often, I'll talk about it, and leave it at that. There were plans for me for this vacation, that is:



1. Visit places that I've always wanted to; try doing things and experiencing life in a more varied perspective.



2. Practice "Percussion freaks" frequently at the arcade (it is one of those things that I throughly enjoy doing)



3. Learn how to blade. (Mind the falls and scrapes)



4. Resolve my thoughts, the knots in my life. Think about things.



5. Find a job? (I know it is the last objective but heh.)



Gosh. I seem to be afraid of discussing my feelings, even with myself. Everyday, I keep actively seek for things to engage in, things to enjoy and pass my time with. Sometimes, I feel that i am a leech. I am wondering if this bears its marks on people around me. Hell. I feel insecure because of that. Exhausted, conflicting thoughts. Fear.

Fear of loss. Be it from relationships , material objects, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I AM paranoid. Very. I often dread about unfortunate things, and cling onto what I have around me, seemingly dreading that they'll disappear any minute.



My fear from the past has returned to haunt me.



Questions that always run in my mind. Reflections that I often make.



1. What am I to the people around me? In physical impression, interaction, trait.



2. Am I living? Or am I merely breathing?



3. What do I need?



4. What do I lack?



5. Why does fear always fill me up?



6. If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter?



Life is so fragile. Here today gone tomorrow.



Life is impermanence.



"Hold onto something however silly it seems, if it could make you smile brightly, even for a moment."



To sum up..I am an insecure freak.



Ever since I've "given up" on love, I've given up a lot. I feel empty.

I hardly hear from her these days..that isn't anything left...no replies...no nothing.

Funny, love can be so real, so blind. Things weren't meant to be..and I never realised that...till the moment I gave up. Void. Silence.



Fate. What is in store for me?

Ema Rikumori : She looks a lot like Yanxin. Pretty, ain't she? =) There's not much info about her at the moment, but according to sources, she was one of the shortlisted candidates to join the everchanging Morning Musume girl group. =o

Heya. Back to blogging business after a hiatus. Phew. That's a couple of life's lessons that I've learnt during the past few months. =o

From my notes dated 30th September 2003:



Gosh. Today is definitely the worst day of my life. Firstly, I came to school, only to realise that Justin would be going for the NAFTA too, which he adamantly refused to go to the day before...-_- I decided to go then. Melisa agreed to lend me her sports attire, a T-shirt and soccer shorts. It was till the last minute where I received the clothes..Hurriedly, I went off to change...Everyone was waiting to take their name tags and go onto the track for the first station, which were the sit-ups. I remembered taking my student card from my bus pass holder, and then keeping them in my black, FX Creations sling bag. I went thru' the stations, and they were my main focus...things went pretty well at first..I wasn't in such a bad shape after a long absence from exercising...Well, then again, I felt very insecure about the condition of my eczema-ridden legs. I'm guessing that, when Theresa saw it, she must have been shocked and disgusted by the sight...



Anyway, I passed my pull-ups minimum requirement for the fist time ever, and boy was I glad and proud of myself. I had a good record for the standing broad jump station as well, seomthing which was totally unexpected. Perhaps the long walks and climbing of various flights of stairs prepared me well for this segment.



The joy I had didn't last.



During the 2.4km jog segment, I got down and put in my best effort...Looking back, I haven't had and official jogging session since last year 1 (imagine that) and I must say, I was totally flat ot three rounds into the jog. I actually stopped and walked. Theresa run past me....*laughs weakly* Theresa must have realised how a poor runner I am...bleh.



Towards the end of...I made a sprint, and extremely excruciating one...to the finishing line. I was unsuprisingly late, as I've passed the 12min minimum mark without completing the run yet. I was disgusted by myself. Utterly.



In a personal note, Justin was very encouraging and supportive as he ran alongside me and waited for me to complete the jog. Thanx. The run took a lot from me and my thighs were straining so much during the jog that I could hardly bend my knees afterwards...



Ok, with no delay, here it is. The worst part of the day. When I returned to the place where we left our bags, I was extremely beguiled to find my bag missing. It didn't struck me as hard..I was still stunned. On the other hand, I saw my handphone and wallet in my trousers, which were still there. The full brunt of the loss hit me when I recalled images of the objects I had in my bag, one after another. Foremostly, I thought of my minidisc player. Fair. It's old. It's been well-used over a span of 3 years and it's recording function is spoilt. It's okay. When Justin Averil, Vince and I left to the library(Justin needed to return books)



I recalled that there was an ECH book and CD that I've borrowed from the library, and they were in my "lost" bag as well...Damn.



Still, it was acceptable until the "hailstones" hit me. My digital camera. Stolen. Lost. Gone. I'll never see it again...Justin, Averil and Vince were really supportive; they stayed back to accompany me for a while. I appreciate their friendship a lot. Nevertheless, I know, in circumstances like that, NO ONE can help you. You can onlu ACCEPT it, I told myself.



When I reached home, my dad and mum "bombasted" me. They also insisted that it was partially my fault, which I couldn't agree with. Put anyone else in this situation, and it's the same. Ain't it? I was plain unlucky. Period.



Enough of that. Bleh.



Melisa and Theresa msged me to ask how I've been, and asked me to take care...Well, all I can say is that Theresa sounded a tad casual; honestly, I was hoping that she could sense the depth of my loss. Pehaps I am just asking for the impossible.

That made me feel so ordinary in her eyes, and it seemed to be an indication that all that I've done, till nowm didn't really matter to her. She was not moved. She couldn't be. Hell, I should get out of this...move on for goodness sake!?



Surely, I'll eventually meet someone who fate has planned for me to meet, someone

who would really appreciate and love me for who I am. Don't I?



GUESS NOT, DUDE. WAIT A MILLION LIFETIMES and perhaps...perhaps you still won't.

-__-"



By the way, aside from this storm in a teacup, or coffee cup, I've went to Jumi(my cousin)'s house to do my freakin' NS registration thingy. It was a hell of a chore. The internet was laggy and the loading of each webpage took nearly 3 minutes. =0 Gosh.

I ended up not being able to arrange the time for the NS medical checkup. I'll do it again tomorrow. Or tonight. It's 1.43am in the morning now.



I sincerely wish to be rid of the bad luck of this day. Amen.



P.s I'm really sore over losing my beloved digital camera. It would take me a loooooong time to get over it. My whold body is aching and I feel crapped-up. If there's a word. And there's the childcare attachment to go later. Arrrgggggghhhh!!! Deliver me.

Damn..my com was down again..finally fixed it and plugged it back today..;_;